Fantastic voyage

Sometimes when I'm on the MUNI, I like to imagine I'm an anthropologist collecting material for an oversized coffee table book. "The Frumpasaurus Horriblus" as observed in its natural habitat, by Anonymous, MD.

Instead of being swathed in comfortable, yet unattractive khaki and orthopedic foot wear, I've donned my oversize sunglasses and Ipod to maintain anonymity. I've also eschewed the pith helmet in favor of a Blackberry and the enticing Brickbreaker game. And yes, I know confusing anthropology with archaeology is akin to mixing up astrology and astronomy, but dammit, the opportunity to use 'pith helmit" was irresistible.

The juvenile delinquent plays a prominent role in the MUNI society, as does the hustler and the loud talker on the cell phone who needs to have TMI tattooed permanently on their forehead in penance for their sins.

Whether it's the young thug sniffing our intrepid scientist's hair and complaining about the injustice of his prison sentence (or is it jail? I always get those two confused- one's federal, one's state, right?) because "the damn bitch be askin' to be knifed" or the gaggle of pregnant teens demonstrating oral sex techniques by the preschool on the field trip, the MUNI is an unpleasant window into the heartache of adolescence. Although it was damn funny when the wannabe freestyle rapper's ridiculously low slung pants actually fell off and nearly tripped him as he tried to kick it old school. Yes, I know I'm going to hell. It was funny.

The extra loud cell phone conversations are among some of the most painful, mainly because it's hard to keep the internal monologue from becoming external. Some of my fellow passengers don't feel so obliged. This morning's exhibit.

A middleaged woman with short fuchsia hair sporting a bedazzled T and overworked stretch pants is loudly talking into her cell phone as she munches on Cheetos at 730 in the morning. Particle of orange dust spray from her lips as she recounts last nights adventures and the speedy exit of her amour. "And I said, oh hell to the no! If you tryin' to hit it and quit it then go home to her, that ain't right. We gots a baby together too, and well, if you be likin some young skinny girl best than a real woman, well then I'll pray for your soul." This is the abridged version; she went on for about 15 blocks about her many attributes and his sinfulness for not being able to "bear witness to her glory." The entire back section was hearing her testimony, and I was close to giggles- the woman had some excellent descriptives. All of a sudden, the woman next to me leaned forward and said "Girl, if I were you I'd shut my mouth and start prayin' to lose some weight instead of save his soul. You be looking like a big ol boulder with no legs and a mouth that just keeps rollin' downhill."
Ouch! Tough crowd.